


Drowning

by nerav



Series: Sweeping, Undiscovered Worlds [6]
Category: THE iDOLM@STER, THE iDOLM@STER: SideM
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Legenders are family, M/M, it starts off way more depressing than intended oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 13:22:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14935076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerav/pseuds/nerav
Summary: Chris felt like he was gasping for air. So Amehiko pulled him out of the waters.





	Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in Chris’s POV, which was... daunting to write, to say the least. But I felt that his POV worked best for this scenario. It’s also a bit of a writing experiment, because of Chris’s unique way of seeing the world. So expect lots of ocean talk lol

Chris recalled a time he almost drowned.

He was a starry-eyed teenager, eager to take photos of the coral reefs deep in the Sea of Japan. It was the first time he attempted to skin-dive without his scuba gear, after accidentally leaving it at his father’s vacation home. Though he went alone, the excitement of the prospects outweighed the risks.

Initially, things went swimmingly well. He held his breath underwater far longer than he thought he was capable of doing. His camera was stuffed with so many photos that he was forced to stop when he ran out of space.

Then suddenly, without even noticing it, he felt the painful sting of a jellyfish. The shock and pain startled him to open his mouth, inhaling a copious amount of water in doing so. His mind quickly went into a state of panic.

It was the most terrifying experience of his life. His lungs felt crushed with immense weight, almost ready to burst. His arms and legs ached as they flapped helplessly. He could not even scream. Even when he opened his mouth, his voice was muffled into almost silence.

And worse of all: no one was even there to listen.

Loneliness crippled him more than the drowning ever could.

His survival was a miracle in itself; a dolphin sensed his distress and came to his rescue, bringing him to the surface. Chris never knew why it saved him—and most oceanographers to this day could not fully explain a dolphin’s sense of empathy with humans—but in his youth, he believed his love for the ocean was what saved him. If the ocean was a god, then it was heeding his prayers and blessed him.

Instead of being traumatized, his love only deepened that day. Still, he never wanted to go through that ordeal ever again.

Unfortunately, he did.

His second drowning incident occurred on stage this time.

He was in the middle of singing his solo, performing in front of a crowded concert hall. While he sang, his eyes were scanning the audience, though he hardly noted their presence; instead, his mind was entirely in the ocean, feeling every wonderful sense of it as he sang straight from the heart.

Just when he reached the final chorus, suddenly, he heard rambunctious laughter. His personal bubble popped. He grew quiet, which only escalated their volume.

“What a freak!” he heard one onlooker shout.

“He’s such a weirdo!” another one chimed one.

Over and over, more people participated in the bash-fest.

“How the hell did this loser get to be an idol?”

“He probably gets around like all the other Westerners….”

“Does this guy even have fans?”

“Idiot foreigner!”

Chris’s irises shrunk and his heart pounded hard as their voices drowned out everything else. He could not go on. He was frozen stiff and remained passive while they continued hurling insults.

When the laugher finally died down, it was quickly replaced with yawns. Upon a second glance, he saw that his audience somehow disappeared. In their place, a younger crowd, all aged around the same, sat at their seats. Though, they weren’t entirely “new”—Chris recognized them, to his dismay.

He felt his heart sink. They were _his_ students. He remembered the faces of his students from his last class, before he dropped the profession to become an idol. Even former students made up part of the numbers.

And just like before, rather than pay attention to him, they were yawning or talking amongst themselves. Some were on their phones, while others slouched and tapped listlessly.

“Is this over yet?” he heard one student shout. It sounded like it was meant to be a private exchange with a nearby colleague, but Chris could clearly hear them.

“I can’t wait for this to end,” another groaned.

“Can he hurry up? I want to get something to eat.”

“I want to see Jupiter!”

“I see your teaching still needs improvement,” a stern voice interjected. “Perhaps you should consider changing professions?”

Chris looked ahead at the source and saw his own mentor professor sitting amongst the crowds. He sat cross-armed, frowning. His eyes bore a look of disappointment.

The disdain on his face utterly wounded Chris. His lips were quivering and he desperately wanted to say _something_ , instead of sputtering like a fool. His passiveness only added more fuel to the fire.

“Mommy, why is that boy so tall?”

This time, the voice was young. Too young.

Chris blinked rapidly. Once again, the people had changed. Children were now his audience, mostly obscured by their adult-sized seats. Rather than eye him with irritation or apathy, they looked curious and surprised, some even pointing at him. Very much like how they often looked at him when he was their age.

“His hair is so different!”

“He’s a giant!”

“Why does he look so weird?”

He felt like a fish out of water. He wanted to cry, or scream, or even just ask _why_. But when he opened his mouth, he couldn’t breathe. It hurt to voice anything.

He was drowning once more, as if an invisible rope hanged around his neck and suffocated him. He barely had the strength to grasp at his neck, as he desperately gasped for air. He felt terrified and humiliated in the worst way possible. All he wanted was to breathe, or at the very least, to cease the pain.

No dolphin came to his rescue this time, however. Not a single person removed themselves from their seat to help him. He was forced to wait as his suffering prolonged, until his body felt numb and he slowly lost consciousness.

The agony finally came to an end when he woke up with a jolt.

Chris heaved, as if he were resurfacing from underwater. Beads of sweat rolled down his face as he panted heavily. His mind raced to recall everything that just happened.

It was Amehiko’s presence that finally brought him back to reality. He remembered that he was underneath Amehiko’s arms, pressed against his bare chest and hearing his every heartbeat. Before he slept, he remembered feeling so loved and secure in his warm embrace.

He let out a small sigh of relief. Thankfully, his abrupt awakening didn’t disturb Amehiko’s sleep. Even if a part of him was so desperate to hear Amehiko’s soothing, comforting words, he didn’t wish to trouble him for his own selfish needs.

Chris watched as Amehiko’s chest rose up and down. He brushed his bangs and gazed at his handsome face. It brought him a tiny bit of solace. He planted a small kiss against his lips and hoped it wouldn’t wake him, before attempting to go back to sleep.

He was truly blessed to have him. But he started to wonder if it was even deserved.

 

* * *

 

The nightmare persisted his thoughts throughout the day. On the train ride to work, the mere sight of his reflection on the window left him unsettled. Even the walk was difficult. With his tall stature and his blond hair heavily contrasting the dozens of raven-haired individuals crossing his path, he felt like a thousand eyes were zoning in on him, watching his every movement carefully.

Thankfully, work proved to be enough of a distraction. The producer already lined up a number of practice runs for Legenders and effectively kept his mind busy. He was also relieved that they weren’t performing today; he wasn’t sure if he was ready to step on that stage after this morning.

But things weren’t entirely the same. On a typical day, a single thing that he could correlate to the ocean left his gums flapping for hours. But today, even when he was prompted, his usual spiel lacked its high-peaking enthusiasm. Sometimes, he would blank out when an obvious subject was brought up, only then to stumble out his ocean talk as soon as Sora or Amehiko raised their eyebrows suspiciously.

He felt most relaxed when their day ended. Sora was preoccupied with last minute wrap-up from his end, leaving both he and Amehiko alone in the dressing room.

While the two made their own preparations for home, they didn’t hesitate with their flirting. Every once in a while, they exchanged affectionate gazes or loving words before returning to their business. Each instance left Chris’s heart fluttering, so much that he temporarily forgot his prior self-consciousness.

“Oh,” Amehiko murmured all of a sudden, rubbing the back of his neck. “Before I forget… Catch.”

“Eh?”

Amehiko threw a small box toward Chris's direction. Like a crawfish, Chris's sharp reflexes enabled him to snatch it before it dropped to the floor. Curiously, he opened the box.

Inside was a silver necklace. On the chain was a dolphin pendant, with two types of jewels that zigzagged throughout its entire frame. It looked like it was carefully crafted from very fine materials, and must have cost at least few thousands—if not hundred thousands—of yen. Chris let out a silent gasp.

“Saw it at the market last Sunday,” Amehiko said. “I figured you’d like it, so I thought, ‘why the hell not?’”

Upon closer inspection, the gesture itself wasn’t the only thing that warmed his heart. Chris felt the heat rise to his cheeks as he beamed. “It’s even my favorite type of dolphin!”

In the blink of an eye, he classified it as the _Lagenorhynchus cruciger_ , or in non-scientific terms, the hourglass dolphin. Thousands of facts instantly flooded his brain, fueling him with so much passion that he could barely contain himself. He desperately wanted to educate Amehiko in its significance, in verbose, meticulous detail. But for now, he held himself back so they both could savor the moment a little while longer.

Amehiko chuckled. “Didn’t meant to pick that exact one, but whatever works, I suppose. If it makes you happy, then I accomplished my mission.”

Chris clutched the pendant close to his chest. “I absolutely love it! Thank you very much, Amehiko!”

“No problem,” he said, smirking. “I won’t keep you in suspense though. Turn around and I’ll put it on you now.”

“I’d greatly appreciate it, Amehiko!”

Without hesitation, Chris followed his orders and waited for Amehiko. Amehiko chuckled as he roped the necklace around his neck. While he worked with the hook, Chris looked down and ogled at the pendant. Amehiko pulled away as he finished.

“How does it look?” Chris said excitedly, craning his neck to face Amehiko.

“Beautiful,” Amehiko breathed out. His eyes weren’t focusing on the necklace.

“Amehiko,” he murmured, blushing.

Amehiko brushed a hand to cup Chris’s face, eyeing him lovingly. “You really are so beautiful.”

Chris tensed.

It wasn’t the first time Amehiko called him that. He heard it a thousand times at this point. But every time he said it, Amehiko always sounded genuinely astonished, as if it were the first time saying it.

Normally, that simple word made Chris feel flustered. But somehow, this time, it hurt to hear it. Like it was hard to even believe him.

He thought back to his nightmare. His hands curled up as he remembered the jeers from the audience.

_“He’s a giant!”_

_“Why does he look so weird?”_

_“He probably gets around like all the other Westerners….”_

_“What a freak!”_

“Chris,” Amehiko said, disrupting Chris’s deliberation. He frowned. “You alright? You’re starting to look pale.”

Habit compelled him to say _“I’m fine”,_ a statement he professed countless times in the past, but the words were lodged in his throat. He was right. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t even realize he was trembling now.

Amehiko sighed. “See, I warned you that you’d get a cold from all those dives. Maybe you should have Sakuraba check you out before you go. Don’t want to contaminate those waters, after all.”

“I….” Chris nearly choked as he mumbled. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

He averted his gaze. “I need to go now. If you would please excuse me….”

Without even waiting to hear Amehiko’s response, he hastened out of the room, his sandals squeaking rapidly with each step. His chest tightened as he heard Amehiko shout his name from the distance, but he kept moving, ignoring the thundering of his heart. He was like a baleen whale, reacting with a fight-or-flight impulse in the face of predation.

 

* * *

 

Rather than go straight home, he took a detour once he got off the train. He stopped by the beach. The sun was already beginning to set, so it was mostly quiet and empty, save from the gentle sound of waves. Chris was relieved; he needed some personal space right now, more than ever.

He approached the shorelines. He dropped his bag and removed his sandals. He rolled up his jeans and sat by the shore, digging his bare feet against the soft, cool sand.

The wind collected his hair and carried it towards the ocean, which tinted with the setting sun. He looked ahead and basked at the sight. A true beauty, much unlike himself.

Chris reflected on how often he came to this spot. Out of all the beaches in Japan, this was the one place Chris liked to go to the most. The horizon was perfect, and the waters were so clean and colorful. It brought him immense joy each time he came here.

It helped heal the wounds of his heart also. He remembered the hundred of times his younger self sat here and sobbed on his knees, feeling the crushing weight of shame and loneliness all at once. But as soon as he gazed at the ocean, and heard the soothing sound of the waves, his tears dried up and he was able to smile once more. Even now, its physiological affects brightened up his somber mood.

The ocean was his only friend for as long as he could remember. It was a sweet sentiment as well as a depressing revelation of his life. He was in a much better place than during his youth, and yet, his heart still ached and he felt compelled to return here for self-aid.

Just then, he heard a voice. “Figured I’d find you here.”

He instantly recognized it. Stunned, he looked to his far left and saw the speaker standing right beside him.

“Amehiko,” he gasped. “What are you doing here?”

Amehiko shrugged. “You were in such a rush. I was curious to see what the big deal was. But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that your ocean-watching was such a priority for you today.”

Chris remained quiet.

Amehiko didn’t say anything further. With an exasperated sigh, he dropped his bag. He sat beside Chris, removing his shoes and rolling up his pants in similar fashion. Rather than talk or look at Chris, he followed his gaze and observed the ocean.

For a while, neither of them said anything. They kept their eyes fixated at the waves of the ocean, watching as the sun set at a sea-snail’s pace.

“So,” Amehiko broke the ice at last, “mind telling me what’s troubling you?”

Chris smiled sheepishly. “I’m fine, really. I apologize for concerning you, but… I just wanted to see the ocean one last time before I head home.”

Amehiko faced him, frowning. “You’re lying.”

“I truthfully mean it.”

“Unfortunately, you cannot pull the wool over my eyes. I have the sixth sense of the Kuzunoha clan, after all.”

Chris widened his eyes.

“It’s the first time I ever sensed negative waves from you. When you came to work, at first, I thought I mistook those waves for someone else’s. But I noticed it bubbling around you for hours.”

He paused, looking above Chris. Most likely, he was noting the invisible aura surrounding him. He held his gaze for a minute before looking back at him.

“Even now,” he continued, “while we’re alone, I’m still sensing them. That’s why I know something’s wrong. You’re not the type to ever feel resentful or scornful at other people. The only person I suspect you harbor those feelings for… is yourself.”

He couldn’t say anything in retort.

“As a janitor, I should just cleanse them from you, right here and now.” He narrowed his eyes. “But as your lover… I’d rather let you talk first before I do anything.”

Once more, an awkward silence filled the atmosphere.

Chris contemplated, torn whether or not he should even say anything. In truth, he didn’t wish to drag Amehiko into his own personal mess. A part of him even feared that Amehiko would be repulsed by it.

But on the other hand, he would be insulting him if he didn’t. After all, if he couldn’t trust Amehiko with his true feelings—the man who shared his heart, body, and mind with him—then could they truly call themselves lovers?

There was only one right answer, in retrospect.

"Amehiko," he murmured, swallowing hard. He stared at his knees. "May I ask... why are you in love with someone like me?"

Amehiko raised an eyebrow. “What brought this on?”

"It's just... I can't help but wonder what you find appealing about me. It certainly can’t be my personality.” Pained, he looked back at Amehiko. “Then, is it my looks? You keep calling me beautiful… Do you truly find me physically desirable?”

“I do,” he admitted.

“I... I don’t even know if that’s true either. Not just from my own opinion over my appearance, but from those of others as well. My looks have brought me so many hardships throughout my youth, all because I was so different from everyone else. That’s why… I can't imagine why anyone would find me attractive in the slightest."

Amehiko kept his silence, allowing Chris to go on. "And I know," he crumbled his lips, tightening his grip on his knees, "I know that I'm considered ‘weird’ to most people.”

“Chris—”

He ignored him and pressed onward. “I may be distracted when I talk about the ocean, but I am not oblivious. I hear the things people say behind my back. I notice the odd looks they give me. My love for the ocean is something most people wouldn't understand. I try my hardest to express myself and show people the joys of it… but so far, I feel like I’ve been failing. So I just don’t understand why you would love someone as weird as me.”

Amehiko held his breath. Chris expected a rebuttal, but to his surprise, he looked down towards the sand instead. He drew a circle on it with his finger.

“Allow me to explain it then, in a way you’d understand,” he said. He pointed at the center of the circle. “Imagine this as the ocean.”

Chris was perplexed. He slowly nodded while his mind fathomed what he was trying to accomplish with this.

“See that it’s clean? Not a single coral or fish in it. It’s pretty to look at; you can see the water perfectly and there’s no filth here to ruin it.”

“I see,” he murmured.

“But do you see the problem?”

The oceanographer in him got the better of him. “The ocean cannot be complete without its wildlife,” he stated matter-of-factually.

“Exactly. Sure, the ocean is clear and ‘normal’ in a sense. But what makes you love it so much is everything in it. All the fish and reefs, even the ugly-looking or weird ones.”

He nodded firmly in agreement.

Amehiko drew in some fishes and other shapes. He pointed his sandy finger at the center once more. “Consider my love for you as the ocean. And you’re the fish that makes me feel complete.”

“But,” he said, blinking, “what type of fish am I?”

Amehiko raised his eyebrows. “What?”

“Is there a certain taxonomy you see me as?”

“I… Well….” He pressed his palm against his forehead. “Look, it doesn’t matter what fish you are. What I’m trying to say is—”

“I know!” he exclaimed. “Perhaps you’d identify me as a blue whale? They’re like me in a sense that many people have trouble understanding them. You see, in the past, they were labeled as sea monsters and often their weight and height were over-exaggerated, until modern science—”

“Fine. You’re a blue whale. You sing, dance, and whatever else they do.”

Chris rubbed his chin. “On second thought, perhaps I can identify more with a tile fish instead. They can range to a rather long size and their preferred habitat is at the bottom of the ocean. Their scales are often a shade of yellow, though they can also—”

“ _Chris._ ”

Oh. He was getting too far ahead of himself again. He stopped and mumbled a meek apology.

Amehiko chuckled. “Do you see what I mean though? Even if you’re an oddball, you amuse me. Only you would persist with something like that for a simple analogy. I’ll remember this years from now, and we’ll both have a good laugh about it. Because an unremarkable day isn’t something you’d remember. It’s all the little oddities that make life memorable.”

“And yes,” he added, “goddamn it, you’re beautiful. I don't say this word freely, not even with my aunt. Every time I say it, I truly mean it. If you still insist otherwise, then just consider me weird too. I’m not a stranger to peculiar tastes.”

Amehiko stared at him intently. “But it’s not just your looks that I find appealing about you. It’s your unwavering passion that gives you such a beautiful glow. You continue to astound me every day with it.”

“Amehiko,” he murmured.

He smiled warmly. “I absolutely love everything about you,” he said, without any faltering.

It took all of Chris’s willpower to resist tearing up from hearing such comforting words. With how candidly Amehiko spoke to him, he truly believed in them this time.

It also finally dawned on him— _Amehiko_ was the dolphin in his life. While Chris was drowning and sinking further into the dark depths of the ocean, it was Amehiko who brought him to the surface and allowed him to see the refreshing sunlight once more.

“Was I finally able to convince you?” Amehiko said, smirking.

“Yes,” he said, giving a small smile. “I feel so much better now. Thank you, Amehiko.”

“Good.” He slowly rose to his feet. “Well then, I think it’s starting to get late, so we should start heading back.”

“Of course!”

Before Chris gathered his belongings, another thought popped in his mind. He figured, since he was already being upfront with Amehiko, that he should voice it.

“Amehiko,” he said, looking back at him. “I’m rather curious to know how you were able to find me so fast. I didn’t mention to anyone where I was going. How did you know where I was?”

“Oh, that?” He dug his hands into his pockets, laughing softly. “I’m surprised how quickly you forget your own words. You already told me about this beach before.”

“I did? I don’t recall….”

“Sure you did. I think you mentioned it in the middle of your speech about hermit crabs a few weeks ago. You told me how you’d like to catch them near these waters. I think you even brought up that you came here so often when you were young.”

Chris widened his eyes.

He was completely stunned. The magnitude behind those simple words hit him hard, like waves crashing into him.

“Chris,” Amehiko suddenly gasped.

Chris was baffled by the look of concern on his face. It was only then that he realized why: he was crying.

“I-I’m sorry,” he murmured. He rushed to brush away his tears.

“Did I upset you?”

“No,” he insisted. “I’m… I’m just so very happy right now.”

“But you’re crying.”

“I really am.” In spite of his words, the tears flowed down his cheeks in sparkling streams. He clutched his chest tightly, mustering the best smile he could bear to reassure him. “I’m just so happy… that you truly _listened_ to me, Amehiko.”

Amehiko swiftly pulled him into his arms. He held him tightly, pressing hard enough so Chris could sob over his shirt.

“Thank you so much for everything,” Chris whispered through choked tears.

“Thank _you_ for being you,” Amehiko murmured.

Amehiko tilted his head and kissed him. Their lips locked firmly, though subdued enough to feel chaste. Chris returned the affection with equal fervor.

The waves crashed against the rocks nearby, making large splashes. They shimmered with the sunset’s rays and made an almost rainbow effect. It painted a very romantic image—one that Chris only dreamt about during his youth—and somehow, it made the kiss even more gratifying. They stayed in each other’s arms for what felt like hours.

Out of the blue, a familiar nasally voice spoke. “Oh dear~ It seems like I came at a bad time~”

Alarmed, they looked behind.

“Sora,” Chris gasped.

“Ah,” Amehiko said, grinning deviously. “So something wicked this way comes.”

Sora smiled, eyes closed. “Ah, that’s rather unpleasant to say to someone who came all this way to find you two~ Although, maybe I should have left you two alone a little while longer~”

Chris blushed at the implications. “What are you doing here, Sora?”

Sora tilted his head. “Amehiko _-san_ isn’t the only one worried about you, Chris- _san_. I wanted to make sure you were fine as well. After all,” he smiled again, “I can’t trust Amehiko- _san_ to comfort you by himself, given how coarse he can be at times~”

“Feels like something near my feet is prickling me,” Amehiko teased. “Perhaps a thorn?”

“I’m sorry that I worried you both so much,” Chris said, bowing in reflection of his guilt. “It truly means so much that you both came to cheer me up.”

“Don’t worry about it~ We’re all friends, after all~”

Amehiko placed a hand on his hip. “For once, I can agree with you, Kitamura. We’re comrades-at-arms. If someone falls down, we’ll both run through the battlefield to pick you right back up.”

“Such a grave image~ I’m not entirely sure I’m fit for battle to begin with though~”

“You’re both absolutely right!” Chris exclaimed. “The both of you are just so very important to me as well. You're like family.”

“Family?” Sora blinked.

“Yes.” Chris clasped one hand over Sora’s, and the other linked with Amehiko. “Having you both truly means so much to me. I feel more motivated than ever to work hard, for everyone’s sake.”

“Work hard, huh?”

“It’s not hard work, really~ A simple smile is the best step for us, Chris- _san_ ~”

At last, Chris felt his lips curling to a genuine smile. “Yes. Then I’ll do my best!”

Amehiko and Sora took one glance at each other before looking back at Chris. They smiled with equal warmth.

Together, they strolled along the shoreline as they made their way toward the train station. They took it slow, feeling it would be best to enjoy the scenery together. Chris kept his hands held with the other two, pulling them further with each step eagerly, his smile never fading and his heart filled with pure bliss.

He gave one last, silent goodbye to the ocean. He would come back for sure, of course. But somehow, he had a feeling it would be the last time he’ll come alone.

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: @merurumeow made a beautiful fanart (commissioned by me lol) on the kissing scene. You can see it here: https://twitter.com/merurumeow/status/1012826391367340032?s=21


End file.
